Gun fists, tribal tattooed scars and be-jugged armor -- what went wrong with Quantum Theory?I remember seeing Dave Chappelle on James Lipton’s “Inside The Actor’s Studio” and I remember something he said about learning about how comedy works. “I’d go on weekends to see how jokes worked and how people reacted, then I’d go on Tuesday nights to see what's wrong with these people [comedians].” Chappelle said. Quantum Theory is a game I’d liken to a comedian bombing on a Tuesday night. There were plenty of warnings prior to me playing Quantum Theory as to what kind of bland hell I’d nominated my week to. The trailers shown at trade shows were a sad joke muttered on plenty of game industry podcasts. Tecmo Koei’s Quantum Theory is a game that poorly steals from Gears of War and lends credence to many fears for the direction of Japanese game design. But hey, at least a great drinking game came from it.
The stages are laid out in scenes. Out of the 13 scenes of Quantum Theory, I played up to the 10th. A normal person would have their fill around the third or fourth. Though Quantum Theory is a cover-base third-person shooter clone of better games, it manages to challenge players in a unique kind of way. Seeing as the story of a thick-neck rebel marine climbing a drably designed ‘Ark’ to save humanity from an imminent destruction isn’t boring enough, Quantum Theory gives you a partner to do these boring tasks together. That right there is what you, the gamer, is supposed to find groundbreaking. I understand the plight of pitching a game to a publisher, but “It’s like Gears only you get to throw your partner at stuff.” Is a tired attack around the fourth or fifth time you’ve used it.
You'll notice that cover is everywhere [conveniently]. A good quality in Quantum Theory is that the cover works when engaged in long-distance fire fights.As I said earlier, I’m following the Chappelle theory of why games like these may or may not work. I came to a solid conclusion around the fifth time dying to a boss that could kill me with one attack -- and trust me, this isn’t the only ‘one-shot kill’ boss you face in the game. Quantum Theory hates you. Of course not you personally, I’m sure John in the graphics and rendering department isn’t still pissed about what you did to his girlfriend. But at every turn, Quantum Theory, in all of its attempts to assume what non-Japanese gamers will glom to, flaunts what we have accepted in this supposed evolved generation of gaming.The game stars a slow-moving unlikable block of a man named Syd. Note: He is both blocky physically and mechanically. When Syd picks up ammo he spews radical quips like, “Mmm, ammo” or “Cool, now time to kill.” Its as if the Tecmo Koei team were channelling Duke Nukem, only sans irony. Syd inhabits a decrepit world of browns and greens and its only fitting that occasionally he has to grab hold of a large floating platform that resembles fecal matter. That’s right, the Ark you’re trying to destroy to save humanity, has flying pieces of poo ushering you along on what is sure to be one of the most tepid adventures of 2010.
Meet Fileena, you can throw her at targets and in close quarters she's as useful as your meaty-melee swing. So not very.Large flying turds aside, Quantum Theory isn’t what I would call an awful game. Awful games are usually easy to laugh at. Awful games have hilarious soundtracks, bugs and glitches, poorly translated English. Quantum Theory is a Sunday wasted watching Matlock with your parents. No one likes the idea, but you’ve done worse. Moreover, the co-op element is actually a means to distract the gamer from the core mechanic of the aped Gears of War-esque cover system. Further proving that Quantum Theory hates you, Syd meets Fileena on his journey-of-boring. Fileena some how manages to wear a full-body of armor yet those pointy breasts and slim figure prove that the designers didn’t have to make our neander-Syd a meat-muffin carrying a gun.
In what could have been, at most, a cool experiment in co-op play, Quantum Theory monotonously pulls the player by the ear through several bland-toned corridors. Its only intermittently do you and Fileena team up to do moderately entertaining combos and long distance attacks. Oddly enough, this is the coolest part of the game. When you’re not fumbling with the controls in one of the worst cover systems since the mechanic’s inception, your ears are being pelted with an incredibly uninspired score. Your eyes bleed from watching unintelligible close-ups of heads exploding from head shots. Your soul weakens, because your life could be spent doing something much more entertaining, like reading a review of Quantum Theory.
Your eyes aren't deceiving you. The final boss is a s**t demon of epic proportions. Your weapons are useless and your only offense is throwing Fileena at the standard weak points.When you see the good Japanese games have contributed to the gaming culture, then play a game like Quantum Theory, wheels start to turn. Maybe fairly respected companies like Tecmo Koei are in dire need of a hit. Quantum Theory took years to develop, but when you listen to Syd mumble nonsense as you throw your controller at the wall due to bad platform design -- seeing quarterly company layoffs seem almost justified. Quantum Theory blatantly copied one of the West’s most infamous games, but when I say copy, I mean they really just slap some Silly Putty on the surface and pulled slowly. There is no depth, the multiplayer is a ghost town of misfits searching for achievements and trophies. The limited amount of enemies you face seek and shoot from behind cover, their intelligence ends there. However, it gets worse.
If you are going to copy a shooter of any kind, make sure the shooting aspect is fun or exceeds marginal joy. When Syd shouts, “F**k yeah!” after picking up ammo for the three guns you’re allowed to carry, notice the variety between the generic big guns, sniper rifles and machine guns. The accompanying sound effects attributed to each gun are reminiscent of sounds your mouth makes when you’re day dreaming at work at how to shoot a co-worker with your finger-gun.
There is hope. Below I've constructed a drinking game that can make even Quantum Theory valuable.The best I can do is give you the drinking game I created in case Quantum Theory is gifted to you. Here goes:
- Every time you’re shot by a nearby enemy and you’re killed because the cover mechanic wouldn’t let you ‘unstick’ from the wall. Sip some beer.
- Any time you see a flying turd, take a shot [Tequila works. Vodka works better]
- Any time a boss character kills you with one hit take a shot.
- When shooting a machine gun and you miss your target [trust me you will], provoking Syd or Fileena to comment on your poor execution, chug a beer.
- If you actually beat this game on the hardest mode, a sip of absinthe should do the trick.
I give Quantum Theory...
Vodka. Its Not Just For Humans.The “Drunk Cat Is Drunk” Award