New Moon: The Best Shirtless Teenage Angst
Monday, November 23, 2009 at 8:16PM 
Although I have seen both of the 'Twilight movies' this is the first movie I have seen in the theater. By the time you read this, you will realize that New Moon has had one of the best opening weekends in movie history. Eclipsed by the highly praised Dark Knight and the forgettable, Spiderman 3. What New Moon has over the aforementioned blockbusters is a fan base so truly dedicated to this series, that they are willing to tolerate some of the worst acting and character chemistry seen since Shia LeBeouf and Megan Fox. New Moon has everything in a movie a logical thinking person should hate. The story is tedious, the world has all the trappings of a trashy novel aimed at teens and abandoned housewives. The stars could be replaced by shirt-less mannequins. And the movie is kind of offensive to Native Americans. Thank you New Moon, I will remember the laughs forever.
Much like the last slog into this much heralded novel-turned-film-wreck, New Moon stars our favorite teen sensations, "whats-her-face" and "pale guy". It is not necessary to say or memorize their names, because this review demands just as much professionalism as this movie warrants. For the sake of short-hand and the hundreds of e-mails that are probably being clicked to 'send' while you are scrolling through these words, Robert Pattison and Kristen Stewart have once again helped create one of the biggest disappointments of the year.
When I heard that New Moon was getting another director, I thought to myself, "Awesome, No more baseball scenes and Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon moments." Ladies and gentlemen, New Moon is that new kind of bad. Where Twilight was "laughably hilarious-bad", New Moon is the Transformers II kind of dreck that makes you wonder why the movie takes two-hours plus to say something it has said three times within the first thirty minutes. Yes, we know you twenty-somethings who are pretending to be sixteen year-olds can not bear to be apart for more then eight minutes. We also know that those shirt-less natives are too sexy to invest in umbrellas or a decent pair of pants.
It is easy to counter with a "men do this all the time in film"-line with regard to how men are viewed in New Moon. But if you really look at the character development in both movies ... I'm not so sure this was not written by a man. Bella [Stewart] never acts independently or shows character in regards to her actions not being associated with a man. Stephanie Meyers [Twilight author] and Melissa Rosenberg [screenplay writer] have done a great job making this potentially strong female lead just another 'whats-her-face' in movies of this type. How many times was there a horrendously long scene of Bella moping, crying, and acting on behalf of love for her 'vampiretic beau'? You may need a calculator.
I was just about to sneak out and go view Precious, when Taylor Lautner's [who plays as "Indian with Animal Powers #1"] whitened smile graced us with his wooden presence. But hey, we are not here for the acting, look at those traps! Hearing the cat calls from women [and possibly some men] echo throughout the theater I now 'get' why on-break construction workers, bar-lurking 'bros' and anyone in a pink shirt induces a gag reflex for most women with taste. New Moon is the new guilty pleasure. There is no need to be ashamed, embrace this horrible folly of a film. This is the part of the review where I say something laudatory, but honestly, this is quite difficult. There were so many shirt-less men I thought I was watching a Gus Van Sant movie.
The direction and pacing is awful, but the director Chris Weitz did what he could considering the source material. He did poorly. Usually the buck stops at the director for a movie being deemed sub-par or a critical success, but in New Moon everyone is to blame. Whoever was responsible for the 'faux' driving sequences should be fired. The concept of turning the werewolves into giant wolves was interesting, but still looked fairly bland. The transformation from 'Crazy Native to Giant Wolf' was a smidge to fast, let us enjoy this computer generated debacle. Honestly, the wolves and the action sequences at the end of New Moon are the high-point of the movie, but even all those scenes fail to deliver.
New Moon excels where Twilight failed, in that Pattinson is in it less. We only get faded images of him as he helps guide Bella do the right thing, remember she can not make a rational decision without his help. Actually, she can't make a decision at all without his help. The father is absentee, but its okay, he's a man. It is okay to playfully brand Native American tribes because you have actual Native people in your movie [my friend Bboy Nomak is in this movie]. It is also okay to make fun of Native's 'mystical animal powers' because that is the only way the pale-faces can relate to them. It is totally cool to depict men in this fantasy world who skitter off under the guise of 'protecting' the women they love. Men can also be brash, violent to women and no repercussions should be felt, "...it was an accident, you know that." If a woman falls down, my shirt comes off, every time, this is how men should act.
Is this what women want? Is this what men want? Let us not kid ourselves. That $140 million dollar weekend opening speaks to all of America, men and women. This is a fantasy, romance movie that suggests that in an 'ideal world' men could see themselves constantly doting on a frail woman. Women, can see themselves being doted upon to the point that there would be no need to express a single, independent thought.
Ah ha! There it is. My review. New Moon, devoid of independent thought. Rife with infantile and shirt-less teenage angst, just not the good Lost Boys kind. This movie isn't even Silver Bullet caliber.
I give New Moon...
A "Fail Out Of 5" Award
Reader Comments (2)
I really really really hate this saga, for a long time vampires and werewolf was respected, that days over with this movie, is a total insult to all legendary monster community, why not producers just make a movie called "sissy vampires movie", and now thanks to this movie I need to take to decrease my illness caused by this movie, by the way do you know about the parody "Vampire sucks", look so funny.
I like it very much.I will support it often. These days I want to buy something from these websites but I don’t know how to do.I hope you can help me.Thank you very much!