Orphan: Ridiculous Plot, Pleasant Surprise
Saturday, August 1, 2009 at 5:55PM 
Orphan will not make sense. It will have moments in the plot that bend logic well beyond a breaking point. However, given the somewhat strong cast and out-of-nowhere twist, you may find yourself making an exception for 'yet another horror movie starring a creepy looking child'.
Because of the nature of the movie this review will try not to spoil anything. Although I did just kind of rag on the plot didn't I? Be that as it may, Orphan set up is pretty standard. A troubled household with resident hot mom, Kate Coleman [Vera Farmiga] and her recovering alchy-scoundrel husband John [Peter Sarsgaard] suffered a terrible loss when Kate gave birth to a stillborn daughter. Years pass and two not-so-annoying children where had post-stillborn baby mishap.
"Can Ya Here Me Now?"
The oldest child, Kate's son Daniel [Jimmy Bennett] has a treehouse that is exceptionally high off of the ground, made out wood and is supported by three skinny logs. If you have a feeling that this could somehow pop up later on in the movie, well I wouldn't fight that feeling.
John & Kate's youngest [and less annoying] daughter, Max [Aryana Engineer] is hearing impaired, but for some reason her cuteness can be heard all over the house. With these lovely and rambunctious children it is a complete mystery as to why Kate still feels a void for her dearest stillborn baby named Jessica. We know this because she's dedicated an entire backyard greenhouse to her [weird huh?]. Within one scene the couple go children shopping and BOOM! Ester is adopted.
"Ah...I See, It's A Turtle-Dog"Of course the tagline promoting Orphan is "There's something wrong with Ester" which leads the average viewer to instantly try to deduce what could be off with the child played by Isabelle Furhman. One thing you may notice is the accent. Unfortunately, little Isabelle's acting coach hasn't really given this poor girl the tools to differentiate a Germanic accent from oh, lets just say the rest of Europe. The funny thing is, this is not a big negative. While you are wondering what accent Ester has you also have to wonder how prospective adopters, Kate & John can be so uninterested in a child's background and upbringing. The nun literally says two sentences and the next scene is Ester in the car with Kate & John. What a lovely world this must be.
As Ester is getting use to her new life with Kate, John and the rest of the family you really get the sense of, "Wow, you guys are really awesome parents for not thorougly discussing this with your son and daughter!" What happens when you have a creepy girl who dresses as if she's in training to become a Salem witch attend her first day of school? Aside from the outlandish set up, the thriller aspect of Orphan is actually fairly competent. It is almost too convenient, that whenever awful things happen to children Ester is around.
"There...That'll Calm Ya Down"My major bone to pick with this movie [although there are many] is that whenever a strong female lead, in this case the mom, is in a situation where she feels something is wrong or off with the cosmos its always the husband's job to tell her how 'silly she's being'. Granted, to move this tattered plot along it relies on splitting all the characters up [this is a mainstay of most horror movies], but writer David Johnson does not thing highly of the viewers intelligence. Why not have a plot where the husband supports and tries to figure out [sorry about this] 'what is wrong with Ester'?
The director, Jaume Collet-Serra, could use some help with plugging in plot holes. For instance, when a child is obviously avoiding the dentist for fear of something that becomes relevant to the twist nearing the end of the film, you may not want the child to intentionally harm themselves to reveal to doctors what a bad newly adopted mother she has.
Speaking of bad parenting, this movie is rife with Parenting 101 mistakes. One would think once your newly adopted daughter has been spotted around kids who are getting bones broken; you may want to keep a closer eye on her. Better yet, take her back to the children store where you got her from. Also, the day you adopt a child, probably not a good idea to have impromptu, rough sex in the kitchen.
"Hmm...Now Were Did I Put Those Matchsticks?"With all these glaring flaws, I would say see Orphan, but do not seek it. The actual horror/thriller aspect is above average. The young ladies Isabelle and Aryana are actually kind of refreshing from the standard J-horror/Omen-esque children American horror films has gotten use to making. Did I mention Vera Farmiga is in it? It is not her best work, but she plays well with the cards she's dealt, Peter Sarsgaard on the other hand...meh. It is no Drag Me To Hell, but Orphan has a twist that will make for great conversation with the family [Note: I do not endorse inviting your family to see this movie with you].
I Give The Orphan
The Bad Parents Award
Reader Comments (2)
I didn't see the movie, but read the entire plot on Wikipedia. I bet I got the same level of satisfaction reading the wiki article as going to the movie but saved many hours of time. Basically I maximized my satisfaction to time ratio.
Touche' Good sir, but hey...if or when this comes to basic cable, you may want to spend a sunday afternoon with a good ole fashioned horror movie. As opposed to an 'actual' good ole fashioned horror movie.