Cabin In The Woods -- Great Movie, Or Greatest Movie?

Wait a minute, a movie that is both funny as it is terrifying? That's gotta be worth watching, right?
So Cabin In The Woods is the greatest movie of the year. No, I haven’t seen every movie released in previous months. Nor do I intend on seeing any other movies in the future. This is it. The last movie I’ll ever need to watch. It’s only fitting I watched this film after watching The Avengers. There should be some sort of barometer to gauge my tolerance of Whedon/Hemsworth exposure, but luckily this movie functioned as an adequate chaser.

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BioShock Review -- Late Is The New Early

BioShock could be one of the classiest games I have ever played, but I'm still unsure of what the future holds for the franchise.
This past Halloween I decided to invest in a bottle of blended wine and a game that had mounds of dust collected upon it, BioShock. I had always wanted to play it and had it not for broad plot points being spoiled and over-hyped fanboys echoing the zeitgeist, I would have taken on this epic much sooner. Be that as it may, this is my tale and it has taken me almost two weeks to formulate some form of a coherent opinion. I really liked BioShock [add me to the list]. From the Ayn Rand references to the allusions of governments past and present, BioShock is one of few games I’ve played where I finally understood the need for this current generation of consoles. The experience(s) found in BioShock instill a benchmark that is rarely pushed. A game that points out the foibles of man may have unintentionally pointed out the missteps of its own genre.

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Nightmare On Elm Street Review: How To Fail At Remakes 101

With Such A Memorable Impression The Original Nightmare On Elm Street Left On Fans, This Remake Sought To Destroy All Hope Of Fond Memories Of The Franchise. Mission Accomplished.

Nightmare On Elm Street fails as, what one considers, a bad horror movie. Think about a movie like Twilight. A movie where all compelling action and horror thrives on characters behaving in a manner that goes against logical thought, but somehow the cast of idiots manages to survive a near death experience. In this remake of Nightmare On Elm Street, director Samuel Bayer decides to go against conventional wisdom by constructing an absolutely conventional failure of horror film. There is no form of realistic horror in Bayer's remake. There is no character worth vying for and worse off, Freddy isn't funny. Nightmare On Elm Street has no entertainment value because every aspect of this movie is devoid of anything interesting. How do you make a movie about killing dumb privileged teenager's in their sleep this awful? 

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The Crazies: "Romero's Wasn't That Great, So The Bar Is Low"

"Ride? Oh No, I'm Cool. Watchin' The Sun Set."

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The Vampire's Assistant: It's Not For Children And Some Grown-Ups

John C. Reilly can paint a fence and I would watch. There is something about this guy that carries movies which would be sub-par without his touch. Cirque Du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant manages to combine the 80's horror-campiness of a One Bitten and the sophistication of a Near Dark. A good majority of the movie is spent with bloated expository scenes, the few actual "Cirque Du Freak" moments are executed incredibly well, but not well enough for this movie to be palatable to everyone. The Vampire's Assistant is a movie for tweens and adults, who are willing to give a pass to most of the boring characters and their subsequent dramatic scenes.

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Fatal Frame [PS2]: The Greatest Game I've Never Finished

I did not finish Fatal Frame. It was not because I was to scared. It was not because I grew bored with this game. I simply ran out of ammo. Can you believe it? I have been playing Fatal Frame for the Playstation 2 intermittently for about 2 months. Had it not been a perfect storm of user error on my part and brutal, archaic game design on developer Temco's, this positive review would [or could] be more in depth. My PS2 catalog playthrough continues.

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Paranormal Activity: A Great Movie Under Certain Conditions

Paranormal Activity is a hard movie for me to review. From the onset, you will need disclaimers:

 

1. If you are a fan of horror films and like the feeling of being immersed in a story, do not go and see this movie until it has a completely rid itself its middle-to-high school attendees. Advice: Go in two weeks of the posting of this review.
2. If you are not a fan of shaky cameras or generally get motion sick, this may not be the movie for you.
3. If you love old people, go and see Paranormal Activity on a Sunday afternoon for optimal viewing.

 

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Zombieland: How Did We Get Here?

The saying "history repeats itself," is quite fitting for cinema. We are living [and enduring] a number of fads right now. A large majority we will regret telling our offspring the magnitude in which we so voraciously supported such trends.  However, the zombie fad as of the past ten years have proven quite fruitful. Movies ranging from comedic homages, like Shaun of the Dead to hyper-realistic social commentaries of the 28 Days/28 Weeks caliber; all have added depth to the horror genre and our current zombie fad. The question is, where does Zombieland fit into all of this?

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Orphan: Ridiculous Plot, Pleasant Surprise

Orphan will not make sense. It will have moments in the plot that bend logic well beyond a breaking point. However, given the somewhat strong cast and out-of-nowhere twist, you may find yourself making an exception for 'yet another horror movie starring a creepy looking child'. 

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The Uninvited: Why Watch?

It Was Manditory They Were Nightgowns The Entire Movie

Yep, I knew what I was getting into.  I had other options. Watching paint dry being one of them.  Let me ask you this, where else are you going to see a very square-headed [Emily Browning] girl fight her own sanity, Elizabeth Banks as the new 'hot step mom' and keep her very loose sister [Arielle Kebble] in line long enough for one of the boringest climaxes seen so far in 2009.  I give you, one of the least wordy reviews I have ever penned for a movie...I give you "The Uninvited".

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