Alpha Protocol Review -- As A Date.

Alpha Protocol Is One Of The Worst Games I've Played This Year. But You May Like It. Why? Because Some People Like Eating Their Own Poop.
You know that feeling of a date gone awry? Nothing really that interesting being exchanged between the two parties. “Oh look, your meatball is getting cold.” Making idle chit-chat while trying to figure out why your friends set you up with someone so incompatible. Looks aren’t important to you, but being entertained is. The night started with so much promise and now you’d kill to see the waiter’s leg catch fire and hopefully engulf the entrance-way to this mid-tier dining establishment. Alpha Protocol was my date for the past week-and-a-half and came recommended by friends I use to trust. I’m currently staring across the table wondering how such a promising piece of work has me humoring sticking a fork in my eye.

Alpha Protocol seemed so nice when we first started talking. Sure the conspiracy theories on secret worldwide governments was a bit off-putting at first, but its the weekend and all I was going to do was stay at home and watch re-runs of Law & Order: SVU. The conversation becomes kind of stale when you find out what makes Alpha Protocol tick. Picking between Professional, Aggressive and Suave manners of speech will get you through the date, but function only as mere distractions when discussing anything really substantive. The face of Alpha Protocol is lightly disturbing. Stitched together pieces of flesh from several botched surgeries, your heart goes out, but never close enough to relate.

“I’m sorry, but did a piece of your face just melt off?”

“Oh! I’m sorry, I was rushed and I put my makeup on in a hurry. Does this bother you?”

Thanks To ChaoticPerfection For Finding One Of The Many Imperfections In Alpha Protocol.

I’ve already gotten off on the wrong foot. I quickly smile and find the charm in Alpha Protocol. Scanning for sarcasm ... its clean. Though this date isn’t the best looking suitor, I try and look past the obvious visual imperfections. Its clear all of the “book learning” went toward compensating for the pustulous nose mole that has surely plagued the poor soul’s self-esteem since youth.  There is actual charm in the tattered rags and broken speech that Alpha Protocol dons. The whole reason I wanted to go on this date was because my friends advertised Alpha Protocol as being heavy into role-playing and espionage. Two things I like to part-take in on my vacations from my 9-to-5. Hey, everyone has their vice, don’t judge. However, role-playing is a tricky fish with this one. As much as the spying and espionage aspect of Alpha Protocol turns me on, it seemed non-apparent when I had to destroy a tank and a helicopter out in wide-open spaces. This all occurred prior to us getting to the restaurant.

The Good I Find In Alpha Protocol Lies Within The Conversation Mechanic. This Character Above? I Never Saw Because Of Decisions Made Earlier In The Game.

I upped the difficulty of play. Usually I find on most dates, things take a turn for the intriguing the more the two parties engage each other with wit and flirtatious quips. What I found was that Alpha Protocol’s difficulty essentially breaks any enjoyment to be had. Tales of enemies being too dumb to travel into a room with dead bodies or too smart to let you actually advance in a sleuth-like manner were frustrating. “Where is that waiter at?” I think to myself as Alpha Protocol engages me with yet another one of those silly ass Russian accents.

“You don’t like my accents?”

“No its fine. Its just I don’t understand what you’re getting at.”

I’m equivocating. I should have just been truthful and said this whole thing sounds ridiculous. Why would I believe a person who takes forever to load up fantastical stories of fighting Asian men who disappear into thin air? All of these tales of espionage end with gun fire and explosions and sloppy combat where you are only given the option of killing and not killing. Truthfully, I initially paid attention when Alpha Protocol was droning on and on about all the characters that filled out this ever-branching story. Unfortunately, the date took a turn when I asked to know more about the kill rooms and characters met.

“I’m sorry, but if we talk about one we can’t talk about the other.”

“But I thought we were being open? I thought it was my choice?”

Protip: In the PS3 Version Of Alpha Protocol. Try Cutting On The Television Sporadically. Chances Are, You'll Make The Game Freeze Up!
You can pick locks and crack safes all you want, that doesn’t make you an interesting person. That makes you a boring person who can occasionally pick locks and crack safes. The biggest slap in the face during this date was that Alpha Protocol presented this illusion of choice.  When in reality, most of the time, I didn’t care about the choice. I was just pressing buttons to make this date interesting. I was invested and even humored the thought of a 2nd date. This night could have gone in several different directions and believe me I tried for many different outcomes, but all of them resulted in me being stiffed with a $60 bill and a knack for bedding sexually frustrated women.

I Give Alpha Protocol...

Image Via Mark Velasquez

The “Walk Of Shame” Award