Taxidermy Is One Hell Of A Drug

What photo were you looking at when you decided you wanted to make the John Malkovich lion?

So here's the deal, I'm writing up a review of things that have happened to me in the past week. This encompasses my experience with a certain ape-oriented film as well as my San Diego trip. No, I'm not trying to combine the two into one confusing, yet intriguing article. I've actually taken ill in quite a way.

It also doesn't help my recovery, that my body has been enduring quite the heatwave in Columbus. A.K.A. The Humid City With All The Fat Humids. I'm begging you to stay with me here. The next couple articles [this included] will be drug induced [Theraflu to the rescue!]. 

This being said, I rarely "laugh-cry" and pee my pants while viewing the internet. And it's an even rarer occurrance that I admit to said act via said medium. But, what you see above and the images you'll see below are a new kind of funny that my body involuntarily seizes up in laughter/horror.

Gaze upon the art of taxidermy and realize that, much like a tattoo, never taxi-on-the-cheap.

I mean, maybe someone was dumb enough to own a mountain lion. And maybe the taxonomist watched an episode of Full House prior to working on...this.

Legit fright followed by legit sadness. Someone's dog bear...or...bear dog? Was probably quite the fondly remembered family member. Now we have some fur-version of Busta Rhymes reincarnated as some sort of space wolf from an ice planet. I still don't understand the rooster tail.

Damn. Like, I wanna crack jokes and all, but this. This is actually kinda sad. Like, God decided all the worst things this owl could experience would occur after it's death. Did someone put the poor guy in the wash with the linens? It looks like a claymation representation of what an owl 'could' look like in the future.

 I still can't determine if this is racist or not. I know, I know. "Isaiah, how can a hippo be taxidermied, in a racist fashion?" I don't know, but I think it's happening here.

Poor guy. No idea how this baby seal died. This is a baby seal right? Not some sort of hybrid seal-potato scientists are breeding into a new swimming food resource?

This one. This one right here has convinced me that humans [myself included, though I'm part cyborg] aren't fit to raise animals. How do you taxidermy a dog with no lower jaw? How about the semblance of, at least, one eye lid? Why is the shoulder the size of a humans? You know what? I don't want to know.

I'd just like to say, for the record, I don't condone violence against animals. I'd also like to point out that I'm not a pet owner and, yes, I do have issues with the term 'pet'. This being said, I'm sure there are good people out there who do care for animals and make bonds in a meaningful way.

Realize that there are taxidermist out there who have problems drawing stick figures and 'hand turkeys.' Don't do taxidermy on the cheap.

However, if you do, feel free to send all images to the mailbag on this site. I mean, waste not, want not right?

Why? Like, why even try and give a cat an expression like this? Was it a dare? "Dude, you remember those s**ty elementary school drawings of cat faces I did? Well I'm turning fantasy, into reality."

Yeah. I think we're done here.

For more shame spiralling taxidermy, visit my source below.

Source