Transformers: Dark Of The Moon -- I Drank Before Watching

It should come as no secret, I've always kinda hated the Transformers movies, but with Leonard Nemoy playing Sentinel Prime, well that's sure to win me and fellow 'thinking' movie goers over.
This weekend I snuck a bottle of red wine into a movie theater. Maybe this will function as a place marker for when I showed the initial signs of alcohol abuse? Maybe this will become the new standard for viewing any future summer blockbusters?

I got a lot of flack for my review of the last Transformer’s movie. Some said it wasn’t harsh enough. I can’t guarantee the same result with this film, but rest assured that I am encouraging everyone who reads this to begin illegally downloading any and all of Micheal Bay’s films. The excitement one gets from watching a movie of this caliber should be multiplied by avoiding some sort of legal authority.

What I’m saying is, you should risk being arrested and thrown in jail if you are planning to enjoy Transformers: Dark Of The Moon.

 
Here we see Shia LeBeouf over emoting and John Tutorro in the background. Two guys, collecting a check.
Be ready to hear the term Dark of the Moon thrown around several times. The writers of this movie want you to be absolutely clear on what miserable mess you’ve opted to drink in. It also doesn't hurt to be overly subliminal about what our favorite Pink Floyd album is. Speaking of that, it should be noted that I didn’t fall for the ploy of watching this mess in 3D. However, because of the fine wine I imbibed, it certainly felt like this movie was attacking all of my senses.

Dark of the Moon is two hours and forty minutes long. This bears repeating. This f**king movie is longer than Forrest Gump! Yet the audience that enjoys the explosions and nonsensical ramblings of every character, will need to be slightly more dimwitted than the famous yokel played by Tom Hanks.

I’m not calling everyone who enjoys this film an idiot ... I’m not sure how to end this sentence, so I’ll move on.

Most of the million dollar computer generated scenes that further detached my drunken eyes from both humans and robots, feel empty. The scenes involving actual stuntmen and stunt coordination are both out of place in the movie, yet the most intriguing aspects of the flim. Funny how that worked out. The scenes involving men jumping out of the building are the best. Some of them fly, some of them die. That’s cool, I think.

 

Remember them for their better works, not this mediocre mish-mash of miscasting.

We can’t [very well] watch men impersonating flying squirrels can we? Unfortunately, there are hours of people not flying in winged suits and not careening to their demise. There are side characters like John Malkovich, Patrick Dempsey and, of all people, Francis McDormand which will confuse the audience as to why they are actually in the movie. They seriously add nothing to any portion of the plot. Maybe Michael Bay watched the last couple Coen Brothers movies and thought, “You know, I could do that! Only, with big ass robots and a story that was written by a factory filled with monkeys.”

Well bravo Bay, Transformers: Dark Of The Moon is your most convoluted and offensive work since The Island -- a  movie you've recycled scenes from. I know my brain is supposed to cut off. I’m supposed to suspend belief that an actual good movie about Transforming robots could ever happen. I’m supposed to think that Michael Bay is the best we’re gonna get and to eat that without complaints. I'm also supposed to keep booze out of the theater, but I guess I'm not good at learning lessons.

Why make this cancer-causing agent of a film over two hours long? Summer blockbuster movies need to make a deal with the me. If you guys stop making these overly serious, woefully edited car wrecks [pun intended] -- then I’ll stop complaining about this kind of film-making being a drain on society.

 

Much like the last overly pouty-lipped actress this is a still of the female lead, "acting."

In a nutshell, Transformers: Dark Of The Moon introduces a new Megan Fox-type character. You know, blow-up doll qualities and a knack for not knowing how to emote. The hard-luck Shia LeBeouf manages to save the day. Which makes no sense. He’s portrayed as a smart when he needs to be, but often times clumsy and confused. Shouldn’t he have been accidentally crushed by Bumblebee by now?

Also, the first hour of the movie is spent searching for something that the later half of the movie devalues. Seriously? The story delves into the dark of the moon and Cold War shenanigans for a full hour, only to tell the viewer in the last forty-five minutes, “None of that really mattered, it was on Earth all along.”

Thanks Michael Bay.

So we have a stupid story. We have stupid characters who engage in stupid things. We have stupid explosions that look faker than the set design. Jackpot! We have a stupid audience willing to support two hours and thirty-seven minutes of stupidity. And for what? So you could forget about your life? To escape to this mythical place of war and robots? This is your idea of fun?

I should have drank more.

I give Transformers: Dark Of The Moon

That's what this movie is doing to your sister
The coveted "Harry Finger" Award.